So I know it’s been quite a while since the last time I put up an hour long rant about my life, but I think it’s time I finally get some more drama off my chest.
I’ve been experiencing a ton of ups and downs lately. I finally got a job. Nikki’s Italian Ice offered me the job today. Basically Tina, the manager that interviewed me, said that Nikki, the owner, was very adamant about me working there. I’m starting off as just a regular cashier which is fine by me. I’m going to have to learn the job before I can become supervisor. Tina told me in about 2 weeks, if I was still interested in the job, that we’d talk about my promotion to Assistant Manager. This whole thing pretty much has me stoked, I’ll finally be able to pay my bills. However, I don’t know if I’ll have enough money to actually go do things, not if the hours I get are as crappy as I think they will be.
I also had an interview at CVS. The manager there pretty much told me as long as my background check came back clean that I’d get the job there. But again, I’m having issues with it. I won’t be getting very many hours there, so I think I want to try and do both jobs, so I can make more money, plus, I don’t really have anything else to spend my time doing.
Aside from work, I’ve still got a major problem on my mind. Felicia. I know I’m over her, things aren’t ever going to get back to where they were. But I can’t seem to just push myself to forget about her. I gave everything I had to her and it just wasn’t enough. I know it doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person, and I know it doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person either. I just.. I know I do still want to be with her and it’s fucking driving me insane. I know we’re not right for each other, I know she could care less about me and I know she’s moved on. I know I can do better, I know I can find a girl that’ll actually be everything I’ve ever wanted, without me having to make some major changes to myself. But I can’t get over the love that I had with Felicia. I know something is wrong with the way my brain’s working, but I just can’t help it. It’s like I torture myself for nothing. I can do nothing but think of her. Yet I’m over her at the same time. Confusing, isn’t it?
The one nightmare I’ve been having over and over every night does have to do with Felicia. But not in the way that you might think. Basically it occurs years down the road, I’m over her, I’m completely happy with another girl and Felicia just blindsides me with some emotional trip. She’s crying to me asking why I changed for this girl but not for her. My heart sinks when I think about it. I can do nothing but scream at her and try to get her to realize that I did change for her, but she just didn’t give me the chance to prove it. I wake up quite frequently when I’m having this nightmare and it’s even cutting my sleep off. Es no bueno.
I’ve actually written out all of my thoughts. I’ve been doing it for probably that past two weeks now, the way my emotions flow onto the page to create an ocean of self worth with waves of despair is amazing. I’m actually starting to develop better penmanship from this. A diamond of hope in the rough of my past. I’ve been in the mood recently to just come up with deep phrases to express my feelings. Everything in this notebook sitting right next to me is full of raw emotion that it’s exploding from the pages. Sadly, I don’t think anybody is ever going to read it in all of it’s glory. Not only is it extremely personal, but it all makes me seem quit gay. And you all know I hate when people think I’m gay, hah.
So anyway, I’ve got so many thoughts firing off in my head it’s almost chaotic. Yet, at the same time, it soothes me to know that I’m still a person and I still have my own independent thoughts. I think I’m seriously an undiagnosed case of ADD or ADHD. All I do when I’m sitting here is shuffle poker chips. It’s great fun and looks pretty cool, but I just can’t stop moving. It’s a problem I have and I hate it. Maybe it has to do with all the stress in my life. As much as I don’t want to admit it, there really hasn’t been a stress free period in my life since before Ben moved here from New Mexico. That was quite a while ago.
I almost feel like a struggling writer. I know that my majors have to do with computers, they are the one and only love of my life that haven’t crushed me, but I just love writing. It’s something that helps calm me on a level that Counter-Strike has never been able to. I love just getting my thoughts out on paper or on the screen. I just, I almost wish there were more people that read my ‘words of wisdom.’ There’s no real reason for that, I just, I’m missing something when it comes to my writing. That’s quality feedback. I know that I’m writing about my life and all, so there’s really no way to constructively criticize my thoughts and outlooks on life. But all I ever get from anybody that gives me feedback is semi-useless nonsense. While, there have been times where I’ve gotten some really amazing responses, the rest is just filler text that means nothing to me. Maybe I should plot to take over the blogging world. That way when I decide to run for Dictator of the World I’ll have millions at my disposal to vote for me and die for me. Okay, just kidding, I don’t want to rule the world. It seems like too much work.
Anyways, It’s 3:21 and I do need to go to bed. I know I’m not going to though, I’m going to play some Counter-Strike to help wear out the strategic part of my mind so I can get a complete nights sleep. Think back on what I’ve said. Maybe it’ll help you with some trials and/or issues that you’re going through right now.
Until next time,
Isaac
