So I know it’s been a week since my last post, as some of my cohorts have pointed out to me. I just haven’t felt the urge to say anything really. I’ve been immersing myself in Counter-Strike:Source. There’s no real reason to do it, the game is just new to me and I enjoy playing with the people I play with. I’ve become somewhat of a known member of the Counter-Strike:Source community because of my work with the Dallas Venom. I know I can get to the professional level if I really pushed myself. My sniper rifle is amazing in the game and I’ve got the smarts to compete with the best of them. My problem is that I cannot make a video game my priority in life.
I do still want to join the service. I’m leaning more towards the Air Force just because of what I have read. Will’s still going with the Marines, he’s been wanting to do that for as long as I can remember and I can’t just follow him because that’s what he wants, I need to do what I want.
I received a phone call from my Aunt last week. She is very against me joining the military. I’m not quite sure why, but the reasons my mother told me are basically because I’m my mom’s only son, and I shouldn’t be putting myself in danger of possibly dying. What I can’t seem to get through to my Aunt is that it’s something I want to do. There’s no other way of getting more self discipline than the service. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be able to do what I want when I want, but the fact of the matter is I can’t. My Aunt wants me to fly out to Germany for the Summer and spend time with her family. She also said she wants me to date some of the German girls out there. It sounds interesting and all, and I’d love to just go experience Germany, but I don’t know how much of a reality that is right now, especially because I haven’t seen my Aunt in four years, so it’d probably be a little awkward. If I had a friend go with me, though, that’d work.
I’m still battling myself about Felicia. I want to be with her so bad sometimes. Yet other times I’m just repulsed at the idea. I think it’s just knowing that she’s got all these guys trying to get with her and she was once mine. Also just the fact that I’ve always cared about her so much and I can’t even express that to her, not in a way that she’d deem acceptable. I desperately need out of my house. Everything reminds me of her. My bed, my dresser, my computer, my television, my daily schedule. It all screams “Felicia!!” It’s really driving me insane. Even certain songs that I have no control of come over the radio and again, I feel like shit. It happened to me earlier today and I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. Even after I changed the station, I still felt.. empty. Why do I have to feel empty? It’s ridiculous, really. I feel empty all the time now yet I’m full of so much emotion that I’m bursting at the seams. The good vs. evil, light vs. dark, epic battles are still going on within me. All the pressure is building up and I can’t seem to find the release. I’ve tried video games, I’ve tried poker, I’ve tried venting to a friend, I’ve tried venting to a complete stranger. Nothing works. Is this pressure just going to build up and build up until I cannot take it anymore? What’s going to happen if it gets to that point.
Somebody save me if you will.
I’ve got to go finish up poker.
-Isaac
