Mugsy

So I know it’s been quite a while since the last time I put up an hour long rant about my life, but I think it’s time I finally get some more drama off my chest.

I’ve been experiencing a ton of ups and downs lately. I finally got a job. Nikki’s Italian Ice offered me the job today. Basically Tina, the manager that interviewed me, said that Nikki, the owner, was very adamant about me working there. I’m starting off as just a regular cashier which is fine by me. I’m going to have to learn the job before I can become supervisor. Tina told me in about 2 weeks, if I was still interested in the job, that we’d talk about my promotion to Assistant Manager. This whole thing pretty much has me stoked, I’ll finally be able to pay my bills. However, I don’t know if I’ll have enough money to actually go do things, not if the hours I get are as crappy as I think they will be.

I also had an interview at CVS. The manager there pretty much told me as long as my background check came back clean that I’d get the job there. But again, I’m having issues with it. I won’t be getting very many hours there, so I think I want to try and do both jobs, so I can make more money, plus, I don’t really have anything else to spend my time doing. 

Aside from work, I’ve still got a major problem on my mind. Felicia. I know I’m over her, things aren’t ever going to get back to where they were. But I can’t seem to just push myself to forget about her. I gave everything I had to her and it just wasn’t enough. I know it doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person, and I know it doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person either. I just.. I know I do still want to be with her and it’s fucking driving me insane. I know we’re not right for each other, I know she could care less about me and I know she’s moved on. I know I can do better, I know I can find a girl that’ll actually be everything I’ve ever wanted, without me having to make some major changes to myself. But I can’t get over the love that I had with Felicia. I know something is wrong with the way my brain’s working, but I just can’t help it. It’s like I torture myself for nothing. I can do nothing but think of her. Yet I’m over her at the same time. Confusing, isn’t it?

The one nightmare I’ve been having over and over every night does have to do with Felicia. But not in the way that you might think. Basically it occurs years down the road, I’m over her, I’m completely happy with another girl and Felicia just blindsides me with some emotional trip. She’s crying to me asking why I changed for this girl but not for her. My heart sinks when I think about it. I can do nothing but scream at her and try to get her to realize that I did change for her, but she just didn’t give me the chance to prove it. I wake up quite frequently when I’m having this nightmare and it’s even cutting my sleep off. Es no bueno. 

I’ve actually written out all of my thoughts. I’ve been doing it for probably that past two weeks now, the way my emotions flow onto the page to create an ocean of self worth with waves of despair is amazing. I’m actually starting to develop better penmanship from this. A diamond of hope in the rough of my past. I’ve been in the mood recently to just come up with deep phrases to express my feelings. Everything in this notebook sitting right next to me is full of raw emotion that it’s exploding from the pages. Sadly, I don’t think anybody is ever going to read it in all of it’s glory. Not only is it extremely personal, but it all makes me seem quit gay. And you all know I hate when people think I’m gay, hah.

So anyway, I’ve got so many thoughts firing off in my head it’s almost chaotic. Yet, at the same time, it soothes me to know that I’m still a person and I still have my own independent thoughts. I think I’m seriously an undiagnosed case of ADD or ADHD. All I do when I’m sitting here is shuffle poker chips. It’s great fun and looks pretty cool, but I just can’t stop moving. It’s a problem I have and I hate it. Maybe it has to do with all the stress in my life. As much as I don’t want to admit it, there really hasn’t been a stress free period in my life since before Ben moved here from New Mexico. That was quite a while ago. 

I almost feel like a struggling writer. I know that my majors have to do with computers, they are the one and only love of my life that haven’t crushed me, but I just love writing. It’s something that helps calm me on a level that Counter-Strike has never been able to. I love just getting my thoughts out on paper or on the screen. I just, I almost wish there were more people that read my ‘words of wisdom.’ There’s no real reason for that, I just, I’m missing something when it comes to my writing. That’s quality feedback. I know that I’m writing about my life and all, so there’s really no way to constructively criticize my thoughts and outlooks on life. But all I ever get from anybody that gives me feedback is semi-useless nonsense. While, there have been times where I’ve gotten some really amazing responses, the rest is just filler text that means nothing to me. Maybe I should plot to take over the blogging world. That way when I decide to run for Dictator of the World I’ll have millions at my disposal to vote for me and die for me. Okay, just kidding, I don’t want to rule the world. It seems like too much work.

Anyways, It’s 3:21 and I do need to go to bed. I know I’m not going to though, I’m going to play some Counter-Strike to help wear out the strategic part of my mind so I can get a complete nights sleep. Think back on what I’ve said. Maybe it’ll help you with some trials and/or issues that you’re going through right now.

Until next time,

Isaac

It’s an amazing show. Anybody seen it? I remember the first time I watched it was in September 07 right before the season finale. Gotta love those marathons eh? Anyways, it’s a good drama and I’m okay admitting that I watch it. Season two starts Monday, and I’m actually excited. I like the show for a multitude of reasons. Mainly it’s just got me thinking about my life. I’m really in love with Felicia. However, she doesn’t appreciate me, which is obvious, and she’s taken everything I’ve done for her for granted. Chalk it up to experience, but I can’t just think everything is going to be fine. Obviously I’m capable of being had and that needs to change.

I do still want a relationship. Not with Felicia, sadly that’s over. Sigh, I’ve got a lot to say, but not a lot that I want people to read. Maybe another time.

“Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life.”

- Germaine Greer

Thoughts?

So I know it’s been a week since my last post, as some of my cohorts have pointed out to me. I just haven’t felt the urge to say anything really. I’ve been immersing myself in Counter-Strike:Source. There’s no real reason to do it, the game is just new to me and I enjoy playing with the people I play with. I’ve become somewhat of a known member of the Counter-Strike:Source community because of my work with the Dallas Venom. I know I can get to the professional level if I really pushed myself. My sniper rifle is amazing in the game and I’ve got the smarts to compete with the best of them. My problem is that I cannot make a video game my priority in life.

I do still want to join the service. I’m leaning more towards the Air Force just because of what I have read. Will’s still going with the Marines, he’s been wanting to do that for as long as I can remember and I can’t just follow him because that’s what he wants, I need to do what I want.

I received a phone call from my Aunt last week. She is very against me joining the military. I’m not quite sure why, but the reasons my mother told me are basically because I’m my mom’s only son, and I shouldn’t be putting myself in danger of possibly dying. What I can’t seem to get through to my Aunt is that it’s something I want to do. There’s no other way of getting more self discipline than the service. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be able to do what I want when I want, but the fact of the matter is I can’t. My Aunt wants me to fly out to Germany for the Summer and spend time with her family. She also said she wants me to date some of the German girls out there. It sounds interesting and all, and I’d love to just go experience Germany, but I don’t know how much of a reality that is right now, especially because I haven’t seen my Aunt in four years, so it’d probably be a little awkward. If I had a friend go with me, though, that’d work.

I’m still battling myself about Felicia. I want to be with her so bad sometimes. Yet other times I’m just repulsed at the idea. I think it’s just knowing that she’s got all these guys trying to get with her and she was once mine. Also just the fact that I’ve always cared about her so much and I can’t even express that to her, not in a way that she’d deem acceptable. I desperately need out of my house. Everything reminds me of her. My bed, my dresser, my computer, my television, my daily schedule. It all screams “Felicia!!” It’s really driving me insane. Even certain songs that I have no control of come over the radio and again, I feel like shit. It happened to me earlier today and I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. Even after I changed the station, I still felt.. empty. Why do I have to feel empty? It’s ridiculous, really. I feel empty all the time now yet I’m full of so much emotion that I’m bursting at the seams. The good vs. evil, light vs. dark, epic battles are still going on within me. All the pressure is building up and I can’t seem to find the release. I’ve tried video games, I’ve tried poker, I’ve tried venting to a friend, I’ve tried venting to a complete stranger. Nothing works. Is this pressure just going to build up and build up until I cannot take it anymore? What’s going to happen if it gets to that point.

Somebody save me if you will.

I’ve got to go finish up poker.

-Isaac

I swear this guy has got to be one of the most amazing actors of our time. He’s been in so many amazing movies it’s ridiculous. American History X, Rounders, The Italian Job, and now The Hulk? I’m not positive it’s him but I just saw a commercial for the movie and it looked just like him. If it really is him, wow. That’s all I can say.

I know it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve decided it’s a bit juvenile to put up a post every night, especially recently. I’ve been thoroughly exhausted every night since Saturday. Why? Well because starting Saturday morning William and I have been getting up at 7:45 AM and going running for a mile. I need to lose quite a bit of weight for the military, and he just needs to get in shape. We both do. I am very excited about all of this though, it’s really nice having motivation to better myself.

On the topic of motivation let me run off on this tangent. I spoke with my Mother on Saturday about me joining the military. Now I was on the fence as to which way she would go. Would she go with the “I’m so happy for you, yes! Yes! Do it!” route or would she go with the “No, no, no. Absolutely not!” route? Well, I found out. She seemed very ecstatic at my urge to join the service to serve my country. My choice of branch, however, didn’t tickle the fancy. She began preaching to me, if you will, about how she thinks the Air Force is better suited for me and my needs. This got me thinking, why do I want to join the Marines over the other branches? I have no prior allegiances to any branches, nor have I ever had any desire to join one. My reason for picking the Marines is and always has been clear. William. He’s been one of my closest friends for the better part of three years now. We were acquainted, however, for closer to four or five. Now I won’t take you down the journey of how we became friends, it’s mildly boring and frankly, makes us seem even more gay than we admit. So he’s the reason I chose the Marines and I need to rethink that, obviously. I’ll even go as far as admitting that the first and foremost reason I even entertained the idea of enlisting was Felicia. Not even to get away from her but because she obviously wants a man that’s served. Her feelings for her lab partner, a Navy guy, make it painfully obvious. Am I proud of the fact that she influenced me to get motivated? No. Do I regret it? Hell no. I’ve realized that enlisting is the perfect thing for me at this point in my life. I want to travel. The service can provide that. I want to grow up and just be able to support my self. The service can help me with that. And the kicker, when I get out I’ll be able to go to college under the G.I. Bill, that’s $40,000.00 for college. Plus I’ll have the experience in electronics that will make me a hot commodity on the job market.

I hate to go on another tangent, but I need to clear my mind before I go to bed. I do still have feelings for Felicia. I cannot deny that. But I do think I’m pretty much over her. When I think of our past, it stings. When I think of her with another guy or even telling one that she’d be all over him, it stings. But when I look to my future, I see one there. Sadly, it is without her but that’s not my choice. Nor will it be my choice ever again unless by some stroke of, luck?, we end up back together. I don’t know exactly what to do. I loved, love, her so much that I don’t want to see a future without her. But she obviously has moved on and doesn’t see a future with me. This pretty much forces me to move on. Maybe she’ll fall into the category of girls that regret not being with me. Although, she has the semi-prestigious title of heart breaker in my life. She does share that title with Jackie. But she’s taken it so much further than Jackie ever did. The immature boy inside of me yearns to just talk to her and make her feel guilty in hopes that she’ll take me back. The man I am becoming sees that that will only push her further away and it’s not the right thing to do. The one thing she always said to me was that it takes a month to make or break a habit. Sunday marks a month of us being broken up. Sunday marks the day I started to cope with everything. It seems as if February 2008 was the dark cloud of my life. But now that I’ve made it through the hail storm of fury and pain I see a very bright future.

My life is becoming amazing again. I’ve basically given my heart to 3 friends. Not all in the same way, but I have given pieces to them. One piece obviously went to Felicia. There’s a hole where that piece was because I don’t want it back nor do I want to fill it. Her and I share something special. She was my best friend. Note the was. Our best-friendship has been relegated to the past. We are no longer best friends. We hardly talk. Why then, you may ask, do I not want to fill her spot in my heart? Because in order to get where I want to go I need to remember where I’ve been. We shared something special. It may not have been on the same level for both of us, but the act itself is very special. Had I been like other guys maybe this would be easier. But I gave everything to care for her and that’s why this is so hard. I do, however, believe that she will be moving on to bigger and better things. She said I wasn’t what she wants. Now she’s pursuing what she wants and I’m happy for her.

Another piece goes with Mason, my best friend since seventh grade. The only events in my life that Mason was not part of were the ones in 9th and 10th grade simply because we had no way to hang out. We’ve had parallel personalities ever since we met. We played Lacrosse together, both wanting to play attack. We realized that we were better at defense and almost took our team to state. We were ping pong addicts. We played so much at school that his parents eventually got him one for either his birthday or Christmas. We played day and night. We even got in trouble for talking to a certain someone on the phone when his mom was testing batteries. There was also chess. I now I may not seem like a chess player. But back in the day I could castle queen side with the best of them. Then came Counter-Strike. I remember Ben and I started playing and I introduced Mason to it. He took it and ran with it. That was in 8th grade I believe. Guess what game I still play to this day. After I quit Counter-Strike on the wishes of Felicia and the breakup of my team. Mason and I took up our next and his current addiction. Poker! I’m not quite sure how it skipped over me but I’m really not all that interested in poker. Mason, on the other hand, is a poker mongrel. He’s moving up in the poker world and I’m quite happy to see his future expanding. When I get out of the military I may join that cause.

The third piece definitely goes to Whiskey Bravo Tango, Will. I know I said I’d skip over why we’re so close but it’s a pivotal reason in why we’re so close today. Jackie and I broke up at the end of our Sophomore year. Will and Shayla broke up at the beginning of our Junior year. Even though our roles in the breakups were reversed we still hurt the same. We had each other to vent to and it worked. We bonded over our relationship misfortunes. Now we’re really close friends. It’s nice to have someone that’s been through the same challenges and trials as you have.

Now obviously Will and Mason are guys. And they’re in a different part of my heart than Felicia. But they’re all at one point or another my best friend. One more than the other at times, but as a whole they’re all the same. Felicia’s pulling out of that elite group, however, for whatever reason. Maybe that’s opening a new spot for another to come along. Maybe it’s providing a vacancy that won’t be filled for years. I don’t know. What I do know is I’m at peace with my life. The turmoil of the breakup has washed over me. The pain that comes with that and the anguish are finally subsiding. The thought of us no longer being together does still make me cringe, but not as much. I wish I never lost her. But if I didn’t, would I be entering the military now? Would I be on the path I am now? Nobody will ever know, but I do know that I’m doing it now. And I owe her thanks and a great big hug, perhaps a peck on the cheek.

All this thought has ripped tears from my eyes. Happy tears, mind you. The same happy tears I shed when I got in my car after kissing Felicia for the first time. The same happy tears I shed on February 12th, after our last encounter. The same happy tears I shed reflecting upon high school graduation. The same happy tears I will she at the news that I’m going to become a father, whenever that will be. And those tears shall be the same as the ones when that child is born. I don’t really care what you think of me for expressing my feelings. I feel a thousand times better.

Goodnight world,

Isaac

So today was a pretty good day. Woke up at 10:30 AM to go and run errands with Will. We went and got some shorts for him at Mervyn’s then he got a haircut. Then came the interesting part, the Marine Recruiter. I took a pre test to see where I qualified on the scale of which jobs I can get while in the Military. I got 90/99 which qualifies me for any job. And y’all didn’t think I was smart. So then I talked to them for a bit longer about what to say to my parents and just in general why I want to join the Marines.

After that Will and I went and got some food then headed to Sam’s Club so he could get a flat of Energy Drink X. He ended up getting the Java Monsters, I wonder if he’ll like them. So then as we were walking out guess which game was on display. Rock band. Oh, my, God how I love rock band. We spent probably an hour, hour and a half jamming out on the game and then we decided it was time to take off. So we headed to Fry’s to get some cereal for him. We did that, then decided to just go walk around the mall for a bit.

I’ve missed the mall. There’s so much eye candy there it’s ridiculous. We looked in random stores for shoes to see if there were any we liked. We talked to our old manager from Pac Sun for a while just to see what’s up. We also went and hung out with Chris Singer for a bit over at Macy’s. It was fun just being the mall, although all the girls there are like 16-17. All the girls our age are at clubs and whatnot nowadays. So then Will dropped me back off at my house because he was going to dinner with his parents to discuss the Marines. That left me to contemplate what I’m going to do to talk to my parents about it. It’s never been something I was gung ho to do, but now.. I am. I’ve been so focused on going to the Marines these past few days that I’ve completely gotten over Felicia. I mean, I do still love her, she is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and essentially the worst. And I do still care about her, but I’m done grieving over her. That’s got to be the most amazing feeling ever, not hurting when I think about never being with her again. Because if I think we can be, I’m just fooling myself.

So I also found out that in order to make weight for the Marines I need to cut down to 237. That’s the max. I’m currently 301, I know I know I’m one fat mother fucker. But I’m doing a lot to lose weight. Saturday morning marks the first day that Will and I are going to go running. I’m cutting out all liquids other than water from my diet unless I’m eating a meal, then I’ll afford myself milk. I need to cut down on my calorie intake and drinks is a big part of that. Combine the water with running and exercising as well as lifting weights at Will’s house in the morning and I think I can drop this fat in no time. Wish me luck. I’m going to bed, I need to be at Will’s at 8 AM.

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,

-Jin

Thursday was relatively uneventful. Got to English about 5 minutes early, just in time to lose my seat to Brian. Talked to Lilly for a while and then watched the rest of the Evil Wal-Mart video. Then I got out of class early and went and hung out with Will. Came home, ate, then went to Math. I found out I only have a 16.5″ vertical. It’s the second highest of my class to a black guy.

When I got home I talked to Felicia for a little bit. Then I’ve pretty much vegged out all day. I cleaned up my computer some more and went to the store for my parents. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow though. I’ll be sure to let you guys know all the juicy things that happen.

-Jin

So the other day I had to do a creative writing for my English 102 class in reference to my topic for the semester. Teacher wants it in a digital form and on the web as well. She’s going to use it as an example for other classes. It reads:
Dear James,

It is with great sadness that I write this letter to you. By the time you read this I’ll have been deemed to old to be living. When i was younger the age restrictions weren’t as huge of a problem as they are today. The only ones that really affected people were the drinking and gambling laws, the number 21. I feared then that what has ahppened now would sculpt the face of this country into a monstrous demon. My fears have manifested themselves in the laws that now require my death. With the lack of moderation on age restrictions the government manipulated them for all it was worth. First, young bureaucrats tested the water by changing the age restriction for President of the United States from 30 to 18. A mere child could become President. That is why, at the age of nineteen, you are older than President Isaac J Kaufman. When they realized that they could slowly manipulate the laws in order to shift everything into a manner they saw fit all hell broke loose. At the age of 45 you lose your right to drive. At the age of 60 you lose your right to live. This is not right, my son. It is just not right. There is still the underground that can grant salvation. We have been planning an uprising since the day these terrible laws were put into place. As an Elder of the Society I was granted the option of hiding after I turned 60 and I accepted. But now, at the age of 75 I do believe it is time for me to pass. I will not die publicly, but in a quiet suburb that I lived in as a teenager. I wish to be buried in Chandler, Arizona, the site where my freedom was stripped away from me. The riots are going to begin soon. I warn you, stay away from Capitol Hill on April 12, 2064. Never let your government force you into submission. They are nothing without the people who fear them. If you do not fear them, they cannot be granted power.

That’s the end of the letter. The basis behind it is I’ve written it as a grandfather to my grandson in the future, obviously. It’s not true, nor will it be true. It’s purely fiction blah blah thank you have a good day.

-Jin

So today was a pretty blah day. Got the magic 9 hours of sleep. Went to Math, hung out with Will. Then ran poker.

Nothing interesting for you fiends right now. But tomorrow that might change, you’ll find out.