dirt.

So it’s been quite a while since my last post, again. I’m turning away from the blogging fanboy. Just blogging when I need to vent, like this blog was originally intended for.

Work’s gotten a little stressful. It turns out one of the kids I work with gave me up to my boss. The fact that I’m okay with them hanging out in the office and whatnot. Now I’ve gotta be the dick manager that I never wanted to be because they forced me to. Oh well, not really my loss. I’m pretty sure I know who it is, obviously it won’t be 100% unless the kids name is mentioned. But I’ve only worked with one of the kids for the majority of the past two weeks — when I’ve had my keys. I think he’s holding a grudge against me because I got the position he wanted because he’s not eighteen.  I never understood why my managers when I was younger were dicks. Now I know — if you’re a nice manager you’ll get your ass handed to you by the ungrateful fuck that wants your position. Dually noted.

Other than that little fiasco from this weekend I’m doing pretty good. Going camping Tuesday/Wednesday with Will and Glenn. Gonna shoot each other with airsoft guns, play cards, paintball a bit, swim, just have fun. I can’t wait to get away from the city and just.. relax. That’s what I’m looking forward to about my trip to Kentucky. Sure, it’s in the middle of nowhere but that’s what I’m excited for. I plan to just throw my iPod on shuffle and run for a couple hours at least half the time I’m there.

An interesting point was brought up by an acquaintance today. A girl that I met first semester and was friends with both Felicia and myself. Apparently she’s more my friend than Felicia’s. Score Isaac: 1, Felicia: 0. We were just talking about being fat. It made me realize why I am, in fact, fat. It’s not because I’m lazy or anything, I mean, I am lazy, but look at Will, he’s just as lazy if not lazier. His ass needs some more meat. It’s because the people that I surround myself by don’t really care that I’m fat. This girl has known me for 9 months and doesn’t care. I’ve got friends that have known me for 10 years that don’t care. I’m pretty good at choosing friends.

Speaking of friends. I feel like I’m growing apart from one of the close ones. I’m increasingly annoyed at the person for things that really don’t matter. I find myself being rash and critical with them for no reason. Yeah, things they do bug me, but that’s how they’re choosing to live their life. As long as things between us dont’ really change, which they haven’t, I need to just shut up. I just can’t quite find the umph to do it though.

I’m starting to become better friends with the girls. I was talking to Will about it the other day, they’ve earned a title. Sure, it’s the girls, but it’s a title none the less. Last time I hung out with them was Thursday on a complete and total whim but it was amazing. I don’t really think I’ll be able to hang out with them without Will for a while, but once he leaves for the Marines I’ll have to. They’re amazing gals, good times, especially sober.

I still don’t have the true need for a lover yet. There’s been a couple girls that have come and gone that I haven’t really been attracted to. Makes me glad that I’m not desperate as fuck like that. I used to not want to even date because of Felicia, I didn’t want to see her retaliate. But now I really don’t care, if she’s gonna play it like that, that’s fine. It’s not like either one of us puts in the effort to see each other. Why would we put in effort to not hurt the other one after the initial hurt is already done? It still kinda hurts — not being with her. But for the most part I’m over it. She was a virus in my life that just dragged me down. It doesn’t matter how amazing I felt or how care free I was, she did change me — for the worst. And like everything else that usually happens, once she was done with me she tossed me to the side with no regard for what would happen.

On to a happier note. I’ve got motivation to get fit again. Just for me, not for you, or you, or you, or her. For me. I think if I can really get into getting in shape I’ll just be in a better place. More energized for day to day stuff. In better shape. Hell, I might even take up some really active hobbies. Just for fun. Something that requires me to get out and about, I’ve learned I enjoy going out and doing things. It’s better than sitting in my room on my ass playing a video game or going to a bar and spending 7 hours playing poker. Although there’s nothing wrong with either.

So I feel better. Partially because Marielle is telling me stories about this guy she just met. He doesn’t even like coffee!! Ahh, goodnight world.

 

Acid

Boy oh boy it’s been quite a while since my last blog. A shit ton has been up but I don’t really feel like going back through and categorizing everything and regurgitating it to you. But I will tell you this. I’m even further along the road of just moving on. The more and more time I spend distracting myself from the whole situation, the easier it is to just accept it.

I’m almost done with this semester of college. Finals are next week and then I’m done! I can’t wait, I’ve grown tired of going to class every day, summer will be a nice break. My mother wants me to take some summer classes but I’m not sure how well that will go. Maybe I’ll do it, maybe I’ll meet the next girl I spend a grip of time with. Who knows.

Work’s been increasingly more fun for me. I got my supervisor keys a while ago but finally started closing and opening the store on my own last week. Tonight was probably the most amazing night of work I’ve ever had. Matt and I were just tasting everything that was going into the buckets before they were mixed and frozen in the machine. Some stuff tasted gross, most stuff tasted fine, there were a couple things that tasted amazing. Until we got to the Citric Acid. Now, I’ve never tasted it pure before, I know it’s in a lot of things I’ve drank, and I know it’s in the ice we serve, hence me putting it in. But there was nothing that could prepare me for the shock known as pure Citric Acid. Now as the usual here’s your sign for me, it is called acid. But I didn’t really think it would.. be like it was. We both carefullly measured less than a teaspoon of the stuff and stuck it in our mouths at the same time. The reaction was priceless. Within a millisecond of that stuff hitting our tongues we bolted to the sink to spit it out and wash our mouths out. The taste stuck with me all night. I couldn’t drink water because it’d like wash the acid down my throat which kills. I couldn’t eat ice cream because it too brought the acid down my throat. It was terrible. I was salivating uncontrollably while laughing so hard I cried. The reaction would have been an amazing thing to throw on YouTube, I’m not sure if I’ll ever do that again. Slash I don’t plan on it, but we’re going to get the owner of the company to do it, he might stipulate we do it again. I’ll be sure to record it that time. We did do it in plain view of the security camera in the back room, so I do want to try and procure the footage from there. Even though it won’t have any sound, it was a kodak moment (let me go and get my camera).
Anyways, that’s pretty much it for now. I’ve had so many inspirations for blogs in the past couple weeks but I’ve been doing MySpace surveys which totally killed my blogging mind. I’ll try to keep from doing that in the future.

 

I want to fucking tear you apart!

Rawr. So it’s been a minute since my last blog. But I’ve got to say, I feel quite amazing. It all started last weekend, I shall digress:

Thursday was when it all started. I actually had a semi-laundry like list of things to do for the day. I was actually going to go to Economics, I needed to get my Food Handlers Card for work, and.. well, that’s about it. I guess it’s not even close to a laundry list. Okay, so it started off in the morning. Will picked me up for school like normal, got to English, did a bunch of review on our paper, it’s due Tuesday, April 15. Went to Economics in anticipation of a test which I found out we did, in fact, have that day. But while I was waiting out in front of my classroom I had a surprise visitor. Felicia walked up and started talking to me. It wasn’t really awkward, but I could feel my attraction for her fading. It’s an amazing feeling when you need it. I needed it.

So she walked away, no hug, I didn’t mind. I noticed/thought about it, but I didn’t mind. Got into class, got the quiz. This is where it got interested. Usually it’s Luke, some random guy, and myself working together. But this particular day we decided to team up with the table next to us. So we had effectively turned two brains into six, we were missing the random guy. The quiz took the whole two hours of class, but I had a blast doing it. We were all chatting and having fun while we took the quiz. That’s my kind of quiz. After Economics was Math. Kind of a boring class, but Will and I sit together and dick around the whole time. Plus we’re not allowed to miss any more classes, she’s threatened to drop us lol. So went to Math, dicked around with Will, then headed out.

Mason was gonna go with me to get my Food Handlers Card and he lives right by the school so we picked him up on our way to my place. Got to my place, Will took off and then Mason and I went in my place to get the directions. When I walked in I noticed I had a message from my work. I called them back up and found out that I didn’t need to go in at 11am on Friday morning. I know, it’s a loss of hours, but then she told me I’d begin my management duties the following week, which means more hours and more pay. So that totally got me stoked. Then we went and got my Food Handlers Card. Made fun of how stupid the study guide was, passed the test, got my card and pranked my boss. I walked in and told her I failed the test with a look of clear defeat on my face. She almost freaked, but the I laughed at her and told her I was kidding. She cracked up.

So then Mason and I went back to my place and chilled for a minute. Went back to his place so he could get ready for work. I was gonna go with him, but I got this sudden urge to be responsible, my birthday was Saturday so I decided to go home and start my paper that’s due Tuesday, so I wouldn’t have to worry about it over the weekend. I ended up getting most of it done, but not all of it, I finished Monday night after greek. So I ended up going to bed around 12:00 AM Thursday night/Friday morning. Woke up around 11 AM and just kinda hung out with the parents. My dad’s not doing too good, the liver cancer is really taking a toll on him, so I waited on him hand and foot whenever he needed me to do something. I was supposed to go bowling Friday night, but I guess everyone bailed so that was a no go. So Mason decided he wanted to take me out to a movie, we ended up seeing Street Kings.

It was a good movie. And by good movie I mean it was like “Hight Times”, in that it was a good movie, but there’s seriouisly no plot, at all. One of my favorite lines of all time comes out of this movie though. Let me set it up for you. Basically, at the beginning of the movie, Keanu Reeves’ character is talking to some Korean guys, insulting them, confusing them for Japaneese and whatnot. Finally they get mad and tell him to get it straight. To which he replies “How am I supposed to tell the difference if you can’t? You dress white, talk black, and drive Jew” I couldn’t stop laughing at that. The rest of the movie was blah, I watched it, enjoyed it, but probably won’t watch it again.

After the movie got over we went back to my place after a bit of joy riding. We totally randomly drove around until I convinced him to go play some ball at the park. So we went and played basketball at like 3:00 AM at the park that closes at 10:30 PM. It was fun, I swept him in every game we played. Two games of H.O.R.S.E. and a game of 21. We’re terrible at basketball, but it was still good times. We got back to my place around 4 or 4:30, I passed out around 5.

I got up around 10. Mason got up shortly after. We kinda vegged around, not know quite what to do. Not able to go party because I had to get up early on Sunday. I don’t remember much of what we did. But I spent time with my best friend. It’s the best birthday gift I could ask for. He ended up taking off around 11 that night, I went to bed in anticipation of the next days activities..

Sunday morning I went shooting for the first time in years. I went with Will, Daniel, and Glenn. We drove out to some random place out past Apache Junction and just let loose with the .22’s. It was fun, we decided we need to get a shotgun for next time. That’ll be some good fun. Put some pictures up on MySpace, got a couple good quotes form the guys lol. They’re captions now.

I got home from shooting around 1 in the afternoon and ended up falling asleep for a couple hours. I try not to take naps but I think this one was well deserved. After I woke up I really did nothing all day. Woke up at 4:15 and just watched a couple movies. I watched Terminator 3, Batman Begins, and then the Inagural Moto X World Championships from San Diego. I did nothing but be lazy and help my dad. But it was amazing.

Not gonna lie, I wasn’t really looking forward to Monday. It meant the beginning of my responsibilities because I coudln’t just shed them forever, only the weekend. I got to Math fine, went home did my Psychology homework, went to Psychology then came back home. Ran around town with Will for a couple hours before Greek started. Watched it, took him home and then hammered out my paper. That’s the schedule of what I’ve done recently.

Now for what I’ve been thinking:

I think I’m finally over Felicia. Like, I don’t yearn to be with her. Turning nineteen seemed to have totally flipped the script for my life. I feel more responsible, I feel more ambitious. I want to do things, not just sit around and be lazy. It’s almost shameful. I’ve been doing things with Will more, he swore in to the Marines on my birthday. He ships to bootcamp in July, so I only have a limited amount of time to spend with him before he’s off to bigger and better things. We’ve planend a camping trip for the next month. But I’ve realized there’s so many fun things to do with him and the other guys. But now we’ve only got a limited amount of time, and then he’s gone for five years. It’s depressing, but at the same time it’s uplifting. One of my closest friends is actually doing something with his life. He’s getting out of Chandler, Arizona and doing something worth while. I wanted to join the military a month ago, but I think it was a phase. A phase aimed at pleasing Felicia. I see a lot of benefit in doing it. But in the end, it’s just not what I’ve wanted to do. She’s moved on, there’s no reason for me to try to please her. Hell, it got Will to actually enlist, so that’s the benefit from it. But now it’s time we go our different paths. I do wish him the best of luck. And I’ll shoot him from 10 feet away if we lose contact/don’t remain friends when he gets out. That’ll be a damn shame.

Back to being over Felicia. She obviously doesn’t appreciate who I am. So why should I try to make her? I know she loved me, no matter how frustrated I get and deny that, I felt the love she had for me. I think it’s safe to say she just fell out of love. No tragedy behind it, it just isn’t going to work. Maybe it’ll work down the road, I know I’ve changed a hell of a lot just since my birthday. But she wants a man that served in the military. That’s not going to be me. So maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t. I’m done dwelling on that possibility. I’ll embrace if it if comes, but I’m not chasing it. I can find other things to do. I can find other women to pursue. I actually want to go out on dates, like out to a nice restaurant, a play, a symphony. Something that I haven’t done/normally don’t do.

I’m also done just focusing on a relationship. I jsut got out of a 19 month one, I don’t need to go rushing into one. My father’s dying. I need to help take care of him. My mom asked me what happened to me today because I’ve done nothing but been a blessing to them. She’s been feeling sick and my dad’s been sick so I’ve been doing stuff for them, getting them drinks, emptying my dad’s puke bucket. Nothing major, but it’s definitely helping them. I feel more responsible, like I said. I think a biological switch has finally been flipped. You know how the point of maturity for people is essentially random? I think I’ve found mine — my ninteenth birthday.

That’s all I’ve got to say for now. Slash my hands are tired from all this rigorous typing and I’m sure your eyes are getting a little sore. Just know that I’m finally happy with my life. I know I don’t have much, but what I have I love. That’s all I need.

-Isaac

 

Scandalous Scholastic

So my mind was racing when I decided I wanted to blog. But then I started listening to music and it totally calmed me down. So this is a warning, I have a rant that I need to get out of my system sometime in the near future.

Who can rock a rhyme like this? Bring it to you every time like this.
PZ

 

Elect the Dead

That’s right, the ‘new’ Serj Tankian album. I finally had the time to sit down and listen to the whole album. Frankly, I was very unpleasantly surprised when I listened to it. I come from a background of just embracing music. Anything short of country and I’ll give it a gander.  Serj Tankian, the lead singer from one of my all-time favorite bands System of a Down, released a side project under his name. Now this man is an amazing vocalist, I cannot strip that from him. But his creativity mixed with his political driven lyrics have let me down in a big way. It’s obvious that Serj’s ‘System’ would have been a lot slower than the band, itself, actually was. All the songs on the CD are slow songs with lyrics that seem like they’ve come straight from a Wog’s mouth. The only song I can stand from the disc is ‘Empty Walls’ because it was the first song I heard when I was determined to love his new sound. I can’t say I’ll be listening to this CD on repeat, ever. Hopefully his future releases and releases from other members of the band will conform to the true System of a Down style.

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,

Isaac

 

Fluorescent Adolescent

So I know it’s been quite a while since the last time I put up an hour long rant about my life, but I think it’s time I finally get some more drama off my chest.

I’ve been experiencing a ton of ups and downs lately. I finally got a job. Nikki’s Italian Ice offered me the job today. Basically Tina, the manager that interviewed me, said that Nikki, the owner, was very adamant about me working there. I’m starting off as just a regular cashier which is fine by me. I’m going to have to learn the job before I can become supervisor. Tina told me in about 2 weeks, if I was still interested in the job, that we’d talk about my promotion to Assistant Manager. This whole thing pretty much has me stoked, I’ll finally be able to pay my bills. However, I don’t know if I’ll have enough money to actually go do things, not if the hours I get are as crappy as I think they will be.

I also had an interview at CVS. The manager there pretty much told me as long as my background check came back clean that I’d get the job there. But again, I’m having issues with it. I won’t be getting very many hours there, so I think I want to try and do both jobs, so I can make more money, plus, I don’t really have anything else to spend my time doing. 

Aside from work, I’ve still got a major problem on my mind. Felicia. I know I’m over her, things aren’t ever going to get back to where they were. But I can’t seem to just push myself to forget about her. I gave everything I had to her and it just wasn’t enough. I know it doesn’t mean I’m a terrible person, and I know it doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person either. I just.. I know I do still want to be with her and it’s fucking driving me insane. I know we’re not right for each other, I know she could care less about me and I know she’s moved on. I know I can do better, I know I can find a girl that’ll actually be everything I’ve ever wanted, without me having to make some major changes to myself. But I can’t get over the love that I had with Felicia. I know something is wrong with the way my brain’s working, but I just can’t help it. It’s like I torture myself for nothing. I can do nothing but think of her. Yet I’m over her at the same time. Confusing, isn’t it?

The one nightmare I’ve been having over and over every night does have to do with Felicia. But not in the way that you might think. Basically it occurs years down the road, I’m over her, I’m completely happy with another girl and Felicia just blindsides me with some emotional trip. She’s crying to me asking why I changed for this girl but not for her. My heart sinks when I think about it. I can do nothing but scream at her and try to get her to realize that I did change for her, but she just didn’t give me the chance to prove it. I wake up quite frequently when I’m having this nightmare and it’s even cutting my sleep off. Es no bueno. 

I’ve actually written out all of my thoughts. I’ve been doing it for probably that past two weeks now, the way my emotions flow onto the page to create an ocean of self worth with waves of despair is amazing. I’m actually starting to develop better penmanship from this. A diamond of hope in the rough of my past. I’ve been in the mood recently to just come up with deep phrases to express my feelings. Everything in this notebook sitting right next to me is full of raw emotion that it’s exploding from the pages. Sadly, I don’t think anybody is ever going to read it in all of it’s glory. Not only is it extremely personal, but it all makes me seem quit gay. And you all know I hate when people think I’m gay, hah.

So anyway, I’ve got so many thoughts firing off in my head it’s almost chaotic. Yet, at the same time, it soothes me to know that I’m still a person and I still have my own independent thoughts. I think I’m seriously an undiagnosed case of ADD or ADHD. All I do when I’m sitting here is shuffle poker chips. It’s great fun and looks pretty cool, but I just can’t stop moving. It’s a problem I have and I hate it. Maybe it has to do with all the stress in my life. As much as I don’t want to admit it, there really hasn’t been a stress free period in my life since before Ben moved here from New Mexico. That was quite a while ago. 

I almost feel like a struggling writer. I know that my majors have to do with computers, they are the one and only love of my life that haven’t crushed me, but I just love writing. It’s something that helps calm me on a level that Counter-Strike has never been able to. I love just getting my thoughts out on paper or on the screen. I just, I almost wish there were more people that read my ‘words of wisdom.’ There’s no real reason for that, I just, I’m missing something when it comes to my writing. That’s quality feedback. I know that I’m writing about my life and all, so there’s really no way to constructively criticize my thoughts and outlooks on life. But all I ever get from anybody that gives me feedback is semi-useless nonsense. While, there have been times where I’ve gotten some really amazing responses, the rest is just filler text that means nothing to me. Maybe I should plot to take over the blogging world. That way when I decide to run for Dictator of the World I’ll have millions at my disposal to vote for me and die for me. Okay, just kidding, I don’t want to rule the world. It seems like too much work.

Anyways, It’s 3:21 and I do need to go to bed. I know I’m not going to though, I’m going to play some Counter-Strike to help wear out the strategic part of my mind so I can get a complete nights sleep. Think back on what I’ve said. Maybe it’ll help you with some trials and/or issues that you’re going through right now.

Until next time,

Isaac

 

Greek

It’s an amazing show. Anybody seen it? I remember the first time I watched it was in September 07 right before the season finale. Gotta love those marathons eh? Anyways, it’s a good drama and I’m okay admitting that I watch it. Season two starts Monday, and I’m actually excited. I like the show for a multitude of reasons. Mainly it’s just got me thinking about my life. I’m really in love with Felicia. However, she doesn’t appreciate me, which is obvious, and she’s taken everything I’ve done for her for granted. Chalk it up to experience, but I can’t just think everything is going to be fine. Obviously I’m capable of being had and that needs to change.

I do still want a relationship. Not with Felicia, sadly that’s over. Sigh, I’ve got a lot to say, but not a lot that I want people to read. Maybe another time.

 

Quote of the Day

“Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life.”

- Germaine Greer

Thoughts?

 

I Know Who I Want To Take Me Home

So I know it’s been a week since my last post, as some of my cohorts have pointed out to me. I just haven’t felt the urge to say anything really. I’ve been immersing myself in Counter-Strike:Source. There’s no real reason to do it, the game is just new to me and I enjoy playing with the people I play with. I’ve become somewhat of a known member of the Counter-Strike:Source community because of my work with the Dallas Venom. I know I can get to the professional level if I really pushed myself. My sniper rifle is amazing in the game and I’ve got the smarts to compete with the best of them. My problem is that I cannot make a video game my priority in life.

I do still want to join the service. I’m leaning more towards the Air Force just because of what I have read. Will’s still going with the Marines, he’s been wanting to do that for as long as I can remember and I can’t just follow him because that’s what he wants, I need to do what I want.

I received a phone call from my Aunt last week. She is very against me joining the military. I’m not quite sure why, but the reasons my mother told me are basically because I’m my mom’s only son, and I shouldn’t be putting myself in danger of possibly dying. What I can’t seem to get through to my Aunt is that it’s something I want to do. There’s no other way of getting more self discipline than the service. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be able to do what I want when I want, but the fact of the matter is I can’t. My Aunt wants me to fly out to Germany for the Summer and spend time with her family. She also said she wants me to date some of the German girls out there. It sounds interesting and all, and I’d love to just go experience Germany, but I don’t know how much of a reality that is right now, especially because I haven’t seen my Aunt in four years, so it’d probably be a little awkward. If I had a friend go with me, though, that’d work.

I’m still battling myself about Felicia. I want to be with her so bad sometimes. Yet other times I’m just repulsed at the idea. I think it’s just knowing that she’s got all these guys trying to get with her and she was once mine. Also just the fact that I’ve always cared about her so much and I can’t even express that to her, not in a way that she’d deem acceptable. I desperately need out of my house. Everything reminds me of her. My bed, my dresser, my computer, my television, my daily schedule. It all screams “Felicia!!” It’s really driving me insane. Even certain songs that I have no control of come over the radio and again, I feel like shit. It happened to me earlier today and I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. Even after I changed the station, I still felt.. empty. Why do I have to feel empty? It’s ridiculous, really. I feel empty all the time now yet I’m full of so much emotion that I’m bursting at the seams. The good vs. evil, light vs. dark, epic battles are still going on within me. All the pressure is building up and I can’t seem to find the release. I’ve tried video games, I’ve tried poker, I’ve tried venting to a friend, I’ve tried venting to a complete stranger. Nothing works. Is this pressure just going to build up and build up until I cannot take it anymore? What’s going to happen if it gets to that point.

Somebody save me if you will.

I’ve got to go finish up poker.

-Isaac

 

Edward Norton in the Hulk?!

I swear this guy has got to be one of the most amazing actors of our time. He’s been in so many amazing movies it’s ridiculous. American History X, Rounders, The Italian Job, and now The Hulk? I’m not positive it’s him but I just saw a commercial for the movie and it looked just like him. If it really is him, wow. That’s all I can say.